Come Join the Dark Side! We Got Poutine, Pepsi and Jos Louis! (Mise a Jour) — Part D’Uh??

Well, no, not really part d’uh. I’m just resurrecting this snarky, satirical and sarcastic post I did 4 years ago with the help of a Montreal friend, Karl, with an update or 2.  I thought it would be fitting to resurrect during this fine election campaign. Because every election campaign is in dire need of comic relief.

Had to remove William Shatner doing Fordzilla  spoof campaign ad as the video appears to no longer  be in existence. Sorry, boys n girls, but probably it’s for the  best. Just saved you all from bleaching your eye-balls.

First, the original post with a small edit.

Maudit merde de Tabarnac!! Maclean’s has gone and done it again, like so many corporate media outlets in the rest of Canada do; they bash our Belle Province de Quebec. Maclean’s is claiming that Quebec is THE most corrupt province in Canada and will be published in this week’s magazine. Well, we must be doing something right! All right! However, it comes complete with cover of the Beloved Bonhomme Carnavale with a briefcase stuffed with money. That did it for me, I mean, corrupting Bonhomme is sysnomous to Silly Sarah Landriault telling her kids about their favourite author, Robert Munsch’s revelations of a troubled life. And they don’t use briefcases, you innocent, sheltered Maclean’s people; they use violin cases!  Well, I say, if they’re going to do it, they should at least get it right, shouldn’t they? So, I’m going this corrupt Quebecer is going to set some records straight and then, there will be a few words from a fellow Montreal Elite, Karl Knox, who blogs over at New Media and Politics and is host of the New Media and Politics radio show at CJLO, the Concordia University radio station.

First, I must confess, boys ‘n’ girls. I can’t write a word of English. Nope.  I cheat with the help of Yahoo babelfish.   Mon Dieu! Don’t all look so surprised now. The spelling mistakes, typos…what? Did you all think I was…dyslexic? That’s right, no Quebecer can write English, because of la loi 101; English schools would be indoctrinating our children to federalism. I mean, why do you suppose Monsieur Duceppe didn’t want pamphlets of national parks being passsed around? Anyway,  now that you know my blogging secret, on we go now! My co-blogger, Kim, being from BC does really post in English, but, being the corrupt Quebecer that I am, I’m thinking I should have Yahoo Babelfish translate her posts into French, yanno, for the hell of it.

First thing to know about Quebec, speed limits on many roads and highways are mere suggestions. Not really enforced. The secret to surviving Quebec roads? Drive crazier than they do.

I will tell you why Montreal is the place for tourist destination.  Why watch “The Sopranos” on the big TV screen or even rent “The Godfather” or “Good Fellas”, when you can come here, and live it first hand?   So much fun to be had! Oh, and our mobsters actually have a side gig of washing the biker gangs’ motorcycles. Yeah, didn’t know that, did ya?  Brings new meaning to that murder mystery week-end at a quaint country inn. NO! This is more authentic, big city streets to run around in. Hell, even the local Timmy Horton’s is a front for, uh..yanno…money laundering!  Yeah, those particular mobsters are federalist, go figure, hence, why it’s still called Timmy Horton’s instead of some Joual equivalent.

Oh, and Alberta, for the last time, your precious oil sand money doesn’t pay for our platinum “soshalist” programs; our higher provincial taxes do! But, since I’m in a confessing kinda mood, I’ll say this…brace yourselves, now…our provinicial and municipal governments steal your tar sand money to, uh, well, yanno…pay off…yanno…protection, and no, I don’t mean their usual security detail,  if you catch my meaning.

Oh yeah! And the cops are also involved in such “schemes”; well, how else does the “corruption” get to continue?

Face it, it’s far more fun than boring Ontario. Mobster Montreal way more interesting than “Toronto the Good”. Hey, our Montreal elites speak two languages and eat poutine!

Ah yes, Gilles Duceppe, as well as Marc Garneau and Thomas Mulcair and the rest of  Quebec are getting their knickers in a knot demanding an apology from Maclean’s. Oh, c’mon, folks, lighten up! The cat’s out of the violin case now.  They’re just jealous of us; their lives are so boring, they must live vicariously through us Quebecois. Vive la difference!  Maclean’s only used Bonhomme Carnavale because they lack imagination and any thing else they may come up with would be, well, crass. Take it away, Karl!

Oh Those Darling Frenchies!

(Apology from Maclean’s)

I want to begin by explaining the appropriation of Monsieur Bonhomme Carnival for the cover of this week’s magazine was not done out of disrespect. Please don’t think that we’re insensitive to Quebec and their symbols — quite the opposite! We had a long drawn out fight as to how to best depict a corrupt Quebec official which as we all know are as common as pot-smokers in BC, unemployed screech drinking Newfies and rednecks in Alberta. Now Peter, who is from P.E.I by the way, suggested we go with a mustachioed, leering young man sporting a Woody-Woodpecker tatoo on his bicep, a packet of Export-A rolled up in the sleeve of his blue and white t-shirt that said F*&% the English, sitting in a Camaro with three women skantily clad with bling and $100 dollar bills stuffed into their bras.  But that just plays into hurtful stereotypes and is exactly the kind of thing you’d expect from some potato-brained rube from the island. Other ideas we tossed around had guys dressed up like a 3rd world Banana Republic dictator engaged in various acts of bribery while eating poutine and drinking maple syrup but that doesn’t do justice to the seriousness of the topic at hand.

Monsieur le Bonhomme just was a lot classier way to go, and we want to reassure you we do it out of love and reverence for our french cousins whom we hold in the highest regard. What better way to illustrate that than by reminding people of their really terrific annual winter festival on the cover of our magazine? So, we’re sorry if we offended any thin skinned Quebeckers out there but you should be aware that we’d be just as willing to skewer Toronto’s stuffy, uptight Protestant, latté sipping, overpaid, over-stuffed and clueless ruling class in a trice. It’s called journalism and it’s what we at Maclean’s pride ourselves on!

Bisous!

See?

So, instead of whining about those right wing corporate media outlets bashing us, let’s hold our heads high and be proud of who we are! Vive le Quebec! After all, things could be much worse. We could be stuck with you know who, eh boys n girls? Now, talk about corruption!

Hey, maybe that’s why the purple faced whale is so popular in Toronto, they want to be as bad as we are. But Toronto, you’re doing it wrong, I mean, can’t you find a less objectionable mayoral candidate? Like say, a Rizuto or Hell’s Angel?

I invite you all to come to the dark side. We have poutine, pepsi and Jos Louis!

PS: That really was William Shatner! He’s disguised as Rob Ford for some witness protection program!

Forgot to mention another one of our secrets: The Pepsi!  Wanna know how we Quebecers get so damned corrupt? We start our kids on pepsi very young!

See?

Now for the mise a jour or Part d’uh, take your pick

Now we’re in election mode. Lessee where we’re at, boys n girls. Well,  through Door #1, we got La Marois and her new sidekick?? Peladeau Jr.  who, as it appears, has taken a page from Stevie Harper and  Skippy’s Bill C-23 aka The Unfair Elections Act.  Apparently, those pots and pans La Marois banged almost 2 years ago were not for all students as she is trying to suppress their vote (Hey! Whaddya know? That link is from Mclean’s!).  Between her and Peladeau Jr., the tail is wagging the dog here.

CAQ  has 3 disqualified candidates. Gee, I guess somebody shoulda showed them how to fill out forms.  Franky Legault, I suggest you start commiserating with Mario Dumont about now.

Dr. Phil? Liberals? Heh! Corruption and ethical issues? What corruption and ethical issues? We’re a com in’ back with perhaps an offer you can’t refuse.

Hillbilly politics? In La Belle Province? Not much more hill billy than Toronto mayor Boss Hogg or Stevie Harper.

Oh my, and what shall we wear?

And Peladeau Jr underling Eric Duhaime, useful idiot to the Harpercon cause,  believes that our Alberta separatist PM, Stevie Harper will somehow rush in to the rescue.  Beaux reves, Eric!

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