The Magnificent Seven: Stephen Harper’s seven new Senators leaked

STARRING: Shotgun * Blogging T * * Ezzy * Huffer * Wenthataway * The Poet * Blatched

The Conservatives’ new best friend, the Canadian wing of the Huffington Post, has a take on who will be Harper’s new Senators come January. LFR has its own sources. Funnily enough, the new Senators are almost all media folks. Even more curious, they’re all female. Must be part of that new Conservative feminism.

Here’s the scoop from Stephen Harper’s very own statements *exclusive* to LFR:

1. Margaret Wente. “In the service of the Conservative party, I can think of few who have battled harder to support and promote the views I hold so dear to my heart”, Prime Minister Harper wrote of the Globe & Mail columnist.

2. Christie Blatchford: “As a long-time representative of the 1 percent, Christie has toiled long hours to diminish our opposition and colour our policies to look palatable to Canadians sitting on the fence of common sense and Conservative radicalism. That she sides with the latter makes her an ideal candidate for Senator”, added Mr. Harper.

3. Ezra Levant: “Ezra is another long-time Harper supporter”, the PM advised. “He has proven again and again to not look into both sides of an issue. He is an extreme propagandist and lies like a champ. Of course, “Ezzy” as we call him, along with his new duties of Senator, will continue with his fine work at my pal Kory’s new venture.”

4. Danielle Crittenden: “Although she lives in Washington DC, is married to David “Axis of Evil” Frum, is the step daughter of Peter “The Conservative Sun” Worthington, and exists in a stable of Conservative writers, Danielle has managed to wrest the Canadian version of the liberal Huffington Post from its centre-left axis and placed it firmly into our evil hands”, Harper enthused. “Great job, Danielle. We expect more great things from you!”

5. Tasha Kheirridan: “Tasha rides shotgun like no other”.

6. Stephen Taylor: “The Blogging Tories have been an integral force in the spread of Conservative principles and memes”, Stephen Harper observed. “Without Stephen’s army of racists and evangelicals, coupled with his unquestioning devotion of my rise to power no matter the facts or truth, Taylor is the ideal Harper Conservative. He’s a born leader. Plus, he has an honourable first name.”

7. Kathy Shaidle: “Speaking of unbridled racists”, added Harper, “Kathy is the most notable. Her devotion to the advancement of white, fundamentalist people and the suppression of all non-whites – at least those not sworn to Conservative principles – is satisfying. We look forward to Kathy’s eloquence as Senator. She will bring poetry to the Conservative cause”.

In an aside to LFR, the source told us that the PM would have chosen someone from the Globe & Mail’s editorial board, but Harper never could find out who they were. The source advised Harper knew they were very old and very conservative so he has all the admiration in the world for the fine work they have done to promote war, poverty, income equality, ignorant US presidents and of course, Stephen Harper.

UPDATE: In reply to inquiries, yes this is satire.

X-posted at Let Freedom Rain.