Arguing with a Conservative. Canadian version.

Yesterday, Antonia Zerbisias tweeted a link, courtesy of Canadian Cynic, to these well-traveled instructions for arguing with a conservative, That version was written for an American audience. I did a little tinkering and changed it to a Canadian perspective  So, with much respect to Antonia, Canadian Cynic and the original author, here’s my Canadian version of how to argue with a Conservative.

Liberal: Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: No, it doesn’t.

Liberal: Yes, it does.  Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: What about Nunavut? What about that Nunavut, huh? Or the Yukon?

Liberal: Those are territories, not provinces. Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: Oh, so you’re saying those don’t count?

Liberal: Yes.

Conservative: Oh, so the people there don’t count? They’re not good enough, huh? I thought you liberals wanted everybody to be counted.

Liberal: No, I said the territories don’t count as provinces. Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: You’re really something, you know that? You liberals are always going on about how all of us Conservatives are racists, how we don’t care about anybody but people who look like us. But you don’t even want to count Eskimos who live in Nunavut as Canadians.

Liberal: First of all, I never said all Conservatives are racists.

Conservative: Yes, you did.

Liberal: No, I didn’t.

Conservative: David Suzuki says it. The CBC says it.

Liberal: I’ve never heard them say that.

Conservative: Yes, they do! They most definitely do!

Liberal: Look, I don’t know what he or the CBC says. That’s beside the point. And the people in Nunavut “count,” whatever that means. I don’t even know who lives in Nunavut; I don’t know the first thing about Nunavut. I’m just saying Nunavut isn’t a province. It’s a territory. Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: What about the Northwest Territories?

Liberal: What?

Conservative: What about the Northwest Territories, huh? You love all those Indians sucking up your tax dollars. You must LOVE the Northwest Territories, right?

Liberal: I’ve never been to the Northwest Territories.

Conservative: Well, I have, and those kind of people would be pretty offended to hear liberals like you saying they aren’t real Canadians!

Liberal: I didn’t say that!

Conservative: You said they didn’t count!

Liberal: I didn’t say that either! No, wait, just wait… (takes deep breath). I only said the Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: And they don’t speak English!

Liberal: Well, most Natives do.

Conservative: How do you know that? I’ve been there, ­ you haven’t!

Liberal: All right, OK, fine, whatever. But Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: Well, I say the Northwest Territories count.

Liberal: Fine, but not as a province.

Conservative: Well, that’s YOUR opinion.

Liberal: It’s not my opinion ­ it’s a fact.

Conservative: Says you!

Liberal: No, not just “says me.” It’s a fact. Look it up.

Conservative: I don’t have time.

Liberal: You don’t have time to find out if Canada has 10 provinces?

Conservative: Listen, you may have time to sit around all day surfing on your liberal websites, downloading articles from the state broadcaster, but I’ve got things to do.

Liberal: Like reading about Indians in Nunavut?

Conservative: See, that’s why you guys always lose. I’m trying to have a nice conversation, and you just keep up with the insults!

Liberal: Listen, I didn’t mean to insult you.

Conservative: Oh, yes you did!

Liberal: No, look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to insult you. Honestly. It’s just that… well, Canada has 10 provinces. That’s a fact. And I’m just trying to state a fact, and you’re getting very defensive, and…

Conservative: Oh, so now I’m defensive.

Liberal: Well…

Conservative: You just said you weren’t going to insult me!

Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to say Canada has 10 provinces!

Conservative: According to YOUR sources!

Liberal: MY sources?! What are you talking about? Look it up!

Conservative: I told you, I don’t have time to spend all day cruising the internet, looking up geography questions! Maybe if you were busier at your job, trying to live Harper’s new role for Canada, you wouldn’t have time for all this hate!

Liberal: I work hard at my job!

Conservative: Then why are you spending all day downloading CBC articles by David Suzuki?

Liberal: I don’t spend all day downloading David Suzuki! I don’t even know what you mean by that! All I’m saying is Canada has 10 provinces.

Conservative: Again, according to YOU!

Liberal: Not just me! Here, here’s the World Book Encyclopedia. Look it up. It’s 10 provinces!

Conservative: Oh, sure, the World Book! Yeah, like I’m going to believe the World Book!

Liberal: What?

Conservative: Come on, it’s a liberal rag!

Liberal: (Long, teeth-gnashing pause) Look, just look up “Canada.” Ten bucks it says, “Canada has 10 provinces.”

Conservative: Ten bucks, huh?

Liberal: Yeah, 10 bucks. (pause) Wait, that’s the “S” volume.

Conservative: I know.

Liberal: You need to look under “C” for “Canada.”

Conservative: I’m not looking for “Canada.” I’m looking for “Suzuki, David.”

Liberal: What?!

Conservative: And when I find a big glowing article about him, you’re going to owe me 10 bucks!

Liberal: Why would I owe you 10 bucks?!

Conservative: You bet me 10 bucks that the World Book Encyclopedia isn’t liberal.

Liberal: No I didn’t!

Conservative: Yes, you did! You bet me 10 bucks that I couldn’t find a liberal article in the World Book. So when I find David Suzuki’s picture, you owe me 10 bucks!

Liberal: Oh, my lord…

Conservative: AHA!

Liberal: Listen, you idiot, just because you found David Suzuki’s picture in the World Book doesn’t mean that I owe you 10 bucks! It doesn’t mean the World Book is a liberal encyclopedia! And it certainly doesn’t mean Canada has 10 provinces!!

Conservative: Right.

(Long pause)

Liberal: Look, I’m just trying to make a simple point here…

Conservative: What about…

Liberal: STOP!!!

(long pause)

Liberal: I’m just trying to make a SIMPLE point here. It’s not a big deal ­ it’s just a fact. Canada has 10 provinces. That’s all! Nunavut, Yukon and the Northwest Territories are not provinces. They’re considered territories, OK? They’re territories.There are only 10. Ten provinces.
(long pause)

Conservative: Ezra is so right about you people.

Liberal: Huh?

Conservative: Ezra. He gets it. You people are the worst.

Liberal: I don’t…

Conservative: Here I am, trying to have an honest political discussion, and all you can do is bring up this liberal claptrap! You call people like Ezra racists, but you don’t want to count Indians as Canadians. You get all your information from encyclopedias, David Suzuki and the CBC.

Liberal: Good-bye.

Conservative: See, there you liberals go again! Sneaking off to download porn from Quebec!

Conservative: That’s it, cut and run!

(long pause)

Conservative: Why do you hate Canada?

X-posted at Let Freedom Rain